By Grace

I am so prideful.
I adhere to a double-standard.
I don't want people to see that I am broken because then what will people think of me?
I must be perfect. I cannot disappoint. I can't let anybody know what I'm struggling with or that I'm struggling period, because then they will think less of me.
I preach but I do not put it into practice. I say all that I want to do and all that I am going to do, but do I ever do it? No. Most of the time, I don't.
The truth is everybody, I'm struggling.
In case you all didn't know, I don't have it altogether. I'm broken right now. Completely broken.
I don't know where God is taking me. To be honest, sometimes I feel like he is leaving me behind.
I've always been told, "God will never leave you." And I know where it says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you..." but sometimes I feel like the exception. I feel unworthy.
"My grace is sufficient." I can't wrap my head around that. Grace? I can't get grace. I think... if only these people knew me. If they saw my heart, they would see who I really am. I live in darkness.
I want all the Lord has to offer, but why am I never willing to do what it takes? I want so desperately to deny myself, pick up my cross, and follow my Father, but I mess up all the time. Every single day.
I can't talk to anybody about it though, they'll judge me, Satan whispers. You can't let people see your struggles, Jordan. Be perfect as your holy Father is perfect, Jordan. Oh, the father of lies. I've had legitimate air-fights with him about the condemning lies he speaks into my heart.
He uses the words of Christ and twists them and ends up having me condemning myself.
I guess as I'm going through this valley, I've learned something. Life with Christ is by no means a fairytale. In fact, I've found it to be really, really, really, really, hard. Fighting against the nature which comes natural to you isn't easy. I think I've found it to be so difficult, simply because I'm trying to fight it myself. I get so overwhelmed and defeated. How am I supposed to handle this all?! But that is where the beauty comes in... I'm not called to handle it all. I'm not called to fight this battle.
I'm growing and I'm learning. I'm learning that Christianity isn't about making sure everyone thinks you're perfect. It isn't about wearing a mask to hide the battles in your life. Church isn't for those who are perfect. It's for those who need healing, who need Jesus.
God is teaching me of his mercy and grace. It's a hard lesson, I'll admit it.
Before I can truly accept and appreciate the grace He is offering, I first have to realize my sinful death penalty.
Some people struggle with dealing with the wrath of God. They are totally fine with the "loving and compassionate" part. Not me. I have trouble believing that a perfect Savior could love and forgive an imperfect me.
I'm a broken, confused, and hurting individual.
I'm also someone who is forever thankful to Christ for loving me despite it all.
I'm more than comforted by the fact that it is by grace and through faith that I am saved.
If it was by works, I'd be dead.
I'm not sure what the point of writing this was. I'm kind of scared to post it. (I'm sure that's the Devil's doing, I don't know.) Maybe it's to deflate my pride.
Whatever it is, it's a necessary step for me.
Being a follower of Jesus is going to take ALL of me. It's not something I, or anyone else, can do halfway. I can't get the results without surrendering all that I am. So I guess that's what I'm doing.
See ya, pride!

Matthew 9:12-13
But when He heard this, He said, "Those who are well don't need a doctor, but the sick do. Go and learn what this means: I desire mercy and not sacrifice. For I didn't come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."